7 Needs that Must be Fulfilled for a LOVE Relationship To Thrive

Different theorists have come up with different sets of relational needs, but they all overlap. Some people see them as leftover needs from childhood, others see them as normal needs we all have throughout all of our lives right to the point we die.CONTINUE READING.......

I agree with the latter view, seeing relational needs as something we never grow out of. However, each individual tends to have some needs that are more important than others, maybe depending on what is left over for them from childhood (for example, they may still be looking for a quality of being in relationship they never got as a child).

1 Security

We all have a need to feel safe in relationship with others and to feel free from threats of humiliation and shame. It also means that we have a sense that the other won’t attack, engulf or abandon us.

2 Validation

This need is for an unconditional acceptance of our feelings, fantasies and identity by another person. It includes the need to have all our relational needs affirmed and accepted as natural.

It gives us a sense of being normal and OK in our own way, and is experienced as an unconditional positive acceptance of who we are. Carl Rogers, the founder of person-centered counseling, saw this as unconditional positive regard as one of three essential prerequisites of therapy.

3 Acceptance by a stable, dependable and protective other person

This is Kohut’s need for idealization: the need to have someone in our lives who we trust and who looks out for us. The degree to which an individual looks to someone and hopes that he or she is reliable, consistent, and dependable is directly proportional to their quest for a sense of internal security.

4 Confirmation of personal experience: in other words, a need to find someone who we feel is similar to us

This is Kohut’s need for twinship. It can be incredibly affirming to find someone who we feel shares our view of the world, or who has been through experiences similar to those we have had ourselves.

5 Self-definition

The opposite to our need for twinship is our need to feel separate and unique, to be true to ourselves and to be able to show who we really are. Self-definition is the communication of one’s self-chosen identity through the expression of preferences, interests and ideas without humiliation or rejection.

6 The need to have an impact on other people

Impact refers to having an influence that affects the other in some desired way. An individual’s sense of competency in a relationship emerges from agency and being able to influence others – attracting the other’s attention and interest, influencing what may be of interest to the other person, and effecting a change in the other’s emotions or behavior. Being able to influence others means we don’t feel like we are just thin air or completely unimportant to others.

7 The need to give love

We also have an inbuilt need to give love, which can be expressed through quiet gratitude, thankfulness, giving affection, or doing something for the other person. It is important that these “gifts” are accepted and welcomed, at least in spirit, even if they are not the right thing at the right time for the other person.

(Think of a two year old sharing their favorite chocolate cookie with you. Of course the two year old doesn’t know you might not like to eat half a chewed cookie that’s already been melting in his hand. It’s his intention that matters most).